So it’s been a while! Sorry about that. Things have been busy, but, I’ve now finished university for forever, and as the job hunt hasn’t gone well I’ve been blessed with the spare time to try reducing my medication. Things have been so busy, in fact, that I didn’t have time to get scared about reducing. I was expecting to get worried but then, I looked at the calendar and the appointment was suddenly the next day and that was that. No going back.
On Monday my husband and I headed up to the hospital to talk to my psychiatrist about reducing. He’d never been to the mental hospital before, and I was nervous about taking him as sometimes it can be a difficult place; but thankfully it was a quiet day and we got in without incident.
My psychiatrist seemed less sure that reducing was a good idea when the appointment started, because my clinical depression was so hard to treat that I went through about 5 or 6 types of drugs before settling on 45mg of Mirtazapine supplemented by 50mg of Algomelatine (the Algomelatine is a weaker drug, so even though the dose is higher, it is supplementary). It means my case is pretty severe. But as we talked through why I want to reduce (because I don’t have a regular job and therefore have some non-pressured time, and mainly because one day I want to be pregnant which you can’t be on antidepressants) he seemed more willing to give it a go. So, in case you’re reading this and you’re in a similar position, here are some answers to questions I had.
- You come off antidepressants/SSRIs slowly. The perfect-world scale I’m working on is two weeks of 25mg Algomelatine/45mg Mirtazapine, then hopefully move to no Algomelatine/45mg Mirtazapine for two or three weeks, then reduce the Mirtazapine in 15mg steps until you’re done. The whole thing takes about eight to ten weeks.
- Side effects aren’t a big thing on antidepressants. SSRIs have them though but, theoretically, those on antidepressants won’t experience any.
- All those things you’ve done throughout illness- exercise, talking to friends, getting fresh air, having a routine- are even more important when you’re reducing. Their impact on your endomorphins isn’t astronomical but they will help you.
- Family members- keep an eye on the person who is reducing. Check their mood is ok (because when you start to sink you don’t always notice), and be there when they need you (which they will!)
All seemed reassuring, so on Monday night, for the first time in two and a half years, I just didn’t take one of my pills. Now I’m on day two of reduction. So far, I don’t feel great. Monday night I was restless and didn’t get good sleep. Tuesday day I had a long jog in the morning which made me feel pumped, but then a difficult day of work (I said I’m unemployed didn’t I? Job hunting and competition work count as work for a musician, which is what I did yesterday) left me shattered, headachey and with low mood by the late afternoon. Evening felt better. Tuesday night I slept worse again, really tossing and turning and not getting solid sleep (worse still, I’m sure it’s affecting my husband’s sleep, which is really unideal). Today I’ve felt ok but again tired and I can feel my mood slipping even now…
So, to surmise, who knows whether this is side effects, or just my body adjusting, or what. I’m not even sure at this point if I’ll manage coming off; after all, if my mood is noticeably lower after two days, I’m nervous about how I’ll feel after a week. There’s no pressure if I can’t (we’re not thinking of having kids for 5 or 6 years), but I do wonder that if I can’t do it now, will I ever be able to? Will my body ever become stable enough not to depend on a drug cocktail every day? Where does that leave me? I do know I will never, ever allow myself to get as ill as before. If stopping taking the drugs means my self harm addiction comes back, or that I re-live violent hallucinations, or it just makes me disintegrate again, then I will get straight back to taking them.
More in a couple of days, when things have hopefully stabilised… This is feeling like it’ll be a long two weeks.
christianwithhope 